I need help please with experience im in so much pain?

im just really sick of men i was with my ex boyfriend for 3 years i met him wen i was thirteen and he was 20 soon after turned fourteen and began a relationship with him i loved him with all of my heart put it this way i gave him everything .he was really speacial he cared for me he was there wen i got a cancer tumor removed and then one day he wanted a break and left me for 4 months and then after we got back together but he messed up again and in two days im getting my third surgey i really feel like dying and my life has never been normal im sick of life and i dont feel like i could ever fall in love again my life is a mess and i miss him so much speacially that he is not here for my surgery and the reason that im writting this is because im homeschool and i have absolutely no friends i only have my mom i need some words to lift me and p.s i no that our relationship was illegal but i missed out in my teen year help